Speaking the Truth in Love

This post was adapted for the Josh McDowell Blog (here). I have posted an original draft here.

I can still recall the precious moment that I devoted myself to Christ. I remember becoming totally sold-out, convinced that Jesus rose again, saved me from my sins, and loves me forever. From that point on, spreading His message of salvation became so meaningful to me that it had to be my life’s purpose. I wanted nothing more than for people to accept the historical and spiritual truths of the Christian faith.

But early on, as I began telling people about Christ, I found that most people were not receptive to the message. To my surprise, many conversations ended quite abruptly. I couldn’t understand why people could so easily reject the Gospel message that I deeply treasured. How could they not love hearing about what I treasured most, especially after what He did for them on the cross?

Telling – But Not Showing – People Jesus

After this kept happening, I soon discovered that though I was sharing and defending the TRUTH of Jesus’ work, there was something seriously wrong. But it wasn't with the message itself; it was with me.

I thought people were rejecting the truth of Jesus because they couldn’t stand to hear the message. Turns out, many times they simply couldn’t stand talking to me. If it were not for me, they would hear what Christians had to say. I began to realize that the way I spoke was flawed. People were not having it. It wasn’t helping people hear the message and it was why many conversations ended so abruptly.

I’ve heard Christian apologist Josh McDowell say in his talks, “Truth doesn’t change, but the way you present it better change.”

This strikes at the heart of what my problem was. I would not change how I told others the truth of Christ. I spoke in the same tone, convincing myself that the unchanging truth of Christ meant I too could be unchanging in how I spoke to others. But speaking to everyone the same way made me sound like an insensitive robot. Really, I just wanted them to “get it,” but ended up pushing these people away! The passion on the inside, came out wrong — how could I fix this? How could I show people Jesus without pushing them away with how I speak?

Maybe you can relate. Sometimes we are not aware we are in a bubble or when we become aware that we are, struggle in finding a way to “pop” it. Deep down, I wanted people to get excited about the truth of Christ like I was. But the way I told the truth was holding me back from being an effective, accessible, sharer of the truth.

How I Speak to Others Matters

When reading my Bible one day, I was overjoyed to better understand how to escape this conundrum. It began with this verse,

“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

Sometimes the simplest verses are so powerful. It was manifestly clear — I spoke the truth, but without love. But what does it mean to speak in love? Amazingly, the next part of the verse clues in as to what it is and how we can learn.

I’ll repeat it here, “grow up in every way…into Christ.”

When we were young, many of us had certain people we wanted to be like when we grew up. Maybe it was a superhero character, a president, or (for me) “Spiderman as President.” In admiration of the person, many of us would imitate who they were — going so far as to put on costumes or adopt their mannerisms. As said by Aristotle, “Imitation is natural to man from childhood…he learns first by imitation [and] delight[s] in [it]” (On Poetics).

Interestingly, this verse is communicating a similar idea. As children of God, growing into Jesus Christ means we are called to imitate Who He is. This is what being a Christian is all about. Christian literally means “little Christ” in Greek. Imitation is something inherent to much of human expression. For example, it is necessary for the development of language. God has placed this within our faculty of reason --- admiring and thus imitating the person of Christ is a place where we exercise this faculty. It is God-given (I hope to develop this in subsequent posts).

And imitation is not a boring task! Remember, as children, we took great joy imitating the person we admired (I loved wearing my spiderman costume). With Christ, it is even more so since becoming more like Him not only makes us treat others better, but also feel better about ourselves (as we become like Christ).

This was the key to speaking the truth in love. Instead of trying to measure up against a list of “do’s” and “don'ts” or simply “be nicer;” I opened up my Bible to simply admire Jesus. I soaked up His example like a sponge, just as I did when I was a boy with superheroes.

In the past, I have read and listened to advice that bordered on legalism. Advice that sounded more of the platitudes of the Stoics than Christian living. "Don't speak this way," "do this to sound more persuasive," or "disagree gently" are few popular templates. But these overlook the fact that audiences change and sometimes disagreement must become personal. It also is devoid of a teleological aim. Why should I speak gently? Is my goal to persuade others better to my point devoid of a relationship with them? To feel better about how I reason? These are all self-inflating directions that are not imitative of Christ - how I still struggle to avoid this!

But with Christ we start differently, it starts with a love for the individual before a word is spoken. This is the example God sets...one that I deeply admire. And as I admire it, I naturally imitated Him. This is why spending time with Christ in prayer, reading about Him in the Bible, and learning from others is essential. When we admire something, we become obsessed with it — studying, analyzing, praising, and thinking about it constantly. But — let us not get it backward:

It is not about doing more to become like Christ, but rather enjoying Christ and letting Him make you more like Him — naturally coming to imitate Him.

When I simply enjoyed Jesus, I began to admire Christ more deeply and thus imitate Him more fully…His Word changed me…and (slowly) I began to speak the truth with love. I did not follow arbitrary platitudes one can find in any philosophy of rhetoric - it came from Christ and in Him only. I trust that any deficiency I have He will work for good too. My confidence is not in my speaking abilities but in Christ.

Jesus Connected With Each Person

One particular Bible passage that deepened my admiration of Christ is about a woman in Mark 5:25-34. These were on of those passages that made me sit back in pure acclaim. The story begins with Jesus in a crowd, “pressed around” on all sides. One in the crowd trying to get close to Jesus was this woman, who “had been subject to bleeding for twelve years.”

Before diving into the Bible passage, it is important to note the context of the story. At that time, the Old Covenant Law was still in effect and stated that women with blood issues had to be “put apart” from the community for seven days (Leviticus 15:19) because they were unclean. This woman had been bleeding for 12 years.

Pause and ponder that. Twelve years of bleeding would have debilitated, depressed, and weakened anyone for its sheer medical implications. But on top of that, she was constantly “put apart” from her community, friends, and family. She must have been exhausted, lonely, and desperate for a way out — desperate for connection and love. She would have also known that it was not merely impolite to frequent a crowd in her unclean state, but a personal offense to their religious practice (in that day, unclean people made others unclean).

Yet Mark 5 tells us of a remarkable encounter:

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind Him in the crowd and touched His cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch His clothes, I will be healed.”

Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from Him. He turned to the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” “You see the people crowding against you,” His disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at His feet and, trembling with fear, told Him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

Wow, notice how Jesus told her the good news. He stopped everything, gave her His full attention, and addressed her as she truly was: not defective, not worthless, but as His beloved child. I envision this woman sobbing tears of joy. After years of separation from her own people because of her problem, Jesus healed her and fully accepted her.

Jesus also refused to compromise the Good News, that He is for all people who freely come to Him and recognize Him as Lord and Savior. In Him, the unclean must become clean. That is the subtle point here - contrary to religious expectations, when the unclean were around Christ they became clean. He told her the truth in love - which was a mere subpart within the larger story of His love that plays out in history. He let her speak and carefully noted her desperation—leaning into her vulnerability.

Now imagine if Jesus had utilized the same approach as He did with a different audience, the Pharisees (religious leaders focused on the Law). These Pharisees needed, to use apologist Josh Mcdowell's magnanimous phrase, “to get their head out of cement.” They were rightly called snakes by Jesus (Matthew 12:34). But this woman needed a tender Savior in her moment of vulnerability.

What’s Jesus’ secret to this? The answer lies in the incarnation. He became like one of us (though not sinning) to relate to us, live among His creation, and ultimately save us from death. Telling us the truth was wrapped up in an action of love. It was not a detached argument or message. Though He could have stayed with the Father in Heaven, He reached out to us by becoming human, seeing eye-to-eye, to bring us the truth (Himself).

I had it all upside down. I realized that I must start with a love for the individual as Jesus did, then let that love guide how I speak to him/her. And to love someone, I must understand that person. I must step into their world and be relational — just like Jesus was when He became a man and dwelled among His own creation.

Following Jesus’ Example

So here is the big question: Like Jesus, is my attitude to understand the person I tell the truth to? Truth be told, in my early days of evangelizing, I spoke to everyone as if they were Pharisees. Meaning that even though what I was saying was right, all anyone heard was my direct, “take it or leave it” approach. Fortunately, by the grace of God, I have learned to listen to people’s experiences, and to speak lovingly. By sitting back and admiring Christ’s example, He began to develop this ability.

Before concluding this post, I invite you to reflect upon your own journey with Christ. How did God reach you with the Good News? How does that change how you tell others about the truth of Christ? The answer to this question further transformed how I began sharing Jesus with others. As I meditated on how loving God is to me, I realized that I needed to do my best to be loving to others. How I need to keep working on this!

I hope you feel encouraged to imitate Christ in what He taught, but also in how He taught. Simply stated: let’s embrace our sonship/daughtership in Christ! Let’s admire Him and get excited about being like Him.